"sick"

 *this post will be talking about depression in detail and may be triggering/unpleasant

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i never liked calling people with mental illnesses “sick”. it doesnt feel right to me. 

“sick” has such a negative connotation.  to call someone with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder “sick” kinda seems like an insult. they’re not “sick”. drinking lemon tea and taking it easy for a couple days wont cure them. 

and there is always a cure for sickness. there’s antibiotics or chemotherapy or other things depending on what’s wrong. sickness can be fixed. 

mental illness cant be fixed like that. you can take medication to make your anxiety easier to deal with - but you’ll always have it. it won’t shrink, and it wont go away. 

it’s always gonna be there. there isn’t a cure. taking your pills wont necessarily make you better. 

i’ve done everything right for the past 2 years. 

i’ve taken the meds, i’ve done the counselling, i’ve slept and eat properly. i’ve talked about it. i’ve wrote about it. i’ve exercised, i’ve meditated.

i’ve done all the things the doctors tell you to do. and i’m still depressed. 

i still want to disappear. 

i still cry uncontrollably for no reason. 

i still feel like a complete waste of space, who’s only making life difficult for my friends and family. 

i still cant focus on anything because i dont see the point in doing anything at all. 

so, i pretend. i pretend i am good, and happy, and excited about the future. 

the funny thing is that pretending actually gets easier when i feel worse. no one knows when i’m at my lowest - they think i’m finally getting better. 

but my doctors know. i suppose thats the plus side to all this - i never lie to them. 

despite feeling the way i do, i still know its possible to actually be happy. 

i know it’s possible to not be depressed. and that’s why i dont lie to my doctors, because they’re the only ones that can help me get better. they’re the ones that know what to do when i dont. 

back in canada

Hi everyone!

I am now back in Canada. I left France on the 29th of January. This was the first time I travelled alone. I got lost a couple times, and cried in the middle of Charles de Gaulle airport but hey what can you do.

So far, things seem sorta normal. I am staying with my boyfriend, so sometimes its easy to imagine we're just having a sleepover, and my family is just a 30 minute drive away and not half way across the globe.

I have skyped home everyday, and it's helping a lot with the distance. When I call, I'm just starting my day and they're having dinner -- it's a pretty good time, we always have things to talk about.

I have also been looking for an apartment so hard. My friend and I have visited 4 so far, with no luck. Moving out of home is so expensive. I gotta find a job too, but I didn't want to do that before I had a place to live, because I don't know where I will be living.

My classes have started too. I've been to one seminar already. And can you believe that after 3 years of university, I am still too scared to talk in class? Terrified. I had to do it today and I was almost peeing my pants.

These pictures above are from Scotland. I visited just before Christmas to say goodbye to everyone over there. I love the UK at Christmas time. I don't know how to explain it, Christmas is just all over. Like, here in Canada, there aren't decorations in every shop and there isn't Christmas music playing everywhere. Plus, the UK has Christmas specials of everything.

So, yeah, my life has been a bit busy lately but I'm doing good. Everything seems to be going preeeetty smoothly right now, so I'm not complaining.

I hope you're all doing well and enjoying the first week of the year!

- Iona

my 2018 resolutions

Happy 2018, everyone!

I hope you had a good New Years. I spent mine sleeping. I slept from 9pm to 11:55pm - woke up and had a glass of Prosseco, then went back to bed 20 minutes later.

This will be the third year I have posted my resolutions on this blog, but I wanted to do it differently this time. It's an open letter to myself. I thought it worked better with these resolutions, because they're pretty much all related to mental well-being.

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Iona, in 2018, you need to change some habits that have formed. I don't know when you developed such a low opinion of yourself, but this year, you are going to change that.

You have got to stop criticizing yourself. You are not fat and you are not ugly.

And stop doubting how smart you are. You're in university, goddammit. It isn't easy to get into university, let alone last 3 years. This is your last year and you can do it.

You gotta start loving yourself, too, and give yourself the same pep talks you give to your friends. You are worthy, and you need to start believing it.

... Oh, also, try to take pictures of yourself. You don't have many of those and it's sorta weird.