Thursday, 14 December 2017

Do I Have Anxiety or Is This Just Me?

Montpellier, France
Hey

This post is gonna be very depressing. SO, heads up. The next post will be lighter - I promise, okay. I'll make cookies tomorrow and write the recipe or something.

With that out the way, I'm just gonna get right into talking about my thoughts and stuff.


I've always been a worrier, and I was always fidgety. That was just me, I was constantly worrying about everything from schoolwork to my mum dying. Every time I see an ambulance, I still think it's going to someone in my family. Obviously it's not - they're all fine, even when I can't see them. I know that... but I also don't.

I know my little brother is healthy, but what if he chokes on a carrot or something and he can't breath, and I wasn't there to get it out his mouth? I know my boyfriend will be fine driving home in the cold weather, but what if he slips on black ice and gets hurt?

When I was younger, I never slept in the car. I would look out the window because I was terrified a car would crash into us, and I would keep tabs on the petrol dial in case we ran out. My dad still jokes about the petrol thing. I never let him drive if it was below 1/3 full - I would make him fill up.

Damn, talking about all this is making me feel uneasy lol.

So... it's normal for me to worry. I didn't think this was anxiety - I still wouldn't say I have anxiety, even though about 3 doctors and 2 psychologists have said I probably do. Everybody has anxiety, right? How can you "have" something everyone experiences? I just happen to worry a little more often than some other people.


Anxiety and depression go hand-in-hand.

I'm on anti-depressants, but they're also prescribed to people with anxiety. So they're supposed to help both of my issues.

I've been on my anti-depressants for a year now. They've sorta helped. I don't feel hopeless and blue all the time, just most of the time. Lol... I want to be able to say that was a joke but it kinda wasn't.

It's annoying, to be honest. I do what the doctors say. I eat a balanced diet, I try to sleep only at night, I exercise, I write my thoughts... and I still feel the same way. I felt generally like a piece of shit for the past three years - since leaving high school.

Which makes me question whether I can be "cured". Am I just destined to be like this forever? Permanently sad, crying for no particular reason, feeling worthless? Cool. It sounds like a super fun time.

Don't worry, though, the one symptom I don't experience is suicidal thoughts. So at least there's that!!

-

This was super umm disjointed. Sorry for that. Thank you if you actually read this, you must really have some time to kill, lol.

Like I said, the next post will be happier. 

5 comments

  1. I appericate your vulnerability to share something like this. What you are going through sounds really challenging, I am sending virtual hugs to you. <3 I hate when doctors label you as something that a lot of people are too. Feelings are part of being human and such. Keep your chin up :)

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    1. Thank you so much for reading, and for your kind words! They mean a lot :)

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  2. I think that it takes a lot of strength and courage to be able to talk so openly about your mental health, and I think that that is beautiful, and that you are beautiful! Missing you & hoping you feel better soon <3

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    1. I miss you too! Oops should’ve added that lol

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