Tuesday, 23 January 2018

"Sick"

Vancouver, BC, Canada


 *this post will be talking about depression in detail and may be triggering/unpleasant
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i never liked calling people with mental illnesses “sick”. it doesnt feel right to me. 

“sick” has such a negative connotation.  to call someone with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder “sick” kinda seems like an insult. they’re not “sick”. drinking lemon tea and taking it easy for a couple days wont cure them. 

and there is always a cure for sickness. there’s antibiotics or chemotherapy or other things depending on what’s wrong. sickness can be fixed. 

mental illness cant be fixed like that. you can take medication to make your anxiety easier to deal with - but you’ll always have it. it won’t shrink, and it wont go away. 

it’s always gonna be there. there isn’t a cure. taking your pills wont necessarily make you better. 

i’ve done everything right for the past 2 years. 

i’ve taken the meds, i’ve done the counselling, i’ve slept and eat properly. i’ve talked about it. i’ve wrote about it. i’ve exercised, i’ve meditated.

i’ve done all the things the doctors tell you to do. and i’m still depressed. 

i still want to disappear. 
i still cry uncontrollably for no reason. 
i still feel like a complete waste of space, who’s only making life difficult for my friends and family. 
i still cant focus on anything because i dont see the point in doing anything at all. 

so, i pretend. i pretend i am good, and happy, and excited about the future. 

the funny thing is that pretending actually gets easier when i feel worse. no one knows when i’m at my lowest - they think i’m finally getting better. 

but my doctors know. i suppose thats the plus side to all this - i never lie to them. 

despite feeling the way i do, i still know its possible to actually be happy. 


i know it’s possible to not be depressed. and that’s why i dont lie to my doctors, because they’re the only ones that can help me get better. they’re the ones that know what to do when i dont. 

4 comments

  1. You're right, when it comes to mental illness you can't call the people who have them sick. It sounds so rude too. I am glad that you can share this kinds of stuff on here. I appreciate reading this. I don't bi-polar disorder, or major anxiety, or diagnosed depression but sometimes I feel like I have small symptoms of those things. If that makes sense? It's hard to go through what you are going through when things don't get better all of a sudden, keep fighting. <3

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    1. Thank you for reading, it means a lot :)

      I think it's normal to experience low motivation, sadness, anxiety, and all that, at some point. It's expected that people cant be happy 100% of the time, and that's okay! It does get worrying, though, when that sadness takes over.

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  2. talking about depression so candidly is both refreshing and immensely important. The one thing I'm struggling without the moment is defining the lines between depression and just life/low moods/simply what someone is like and this definition troubles me when thinking about seeking help?? Like is what I'm feeling just me or is it something else or ughh its a very grey area. Thank you for sharing this and I'm sending you lots of warmth and good vibes.
    http://kaatielouu.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you :) Not too many people write about depression but I know it’s helpful for me to read about other people who feel the same as me, so thats why I do it. And you’re right, it’s hard to know if it’s just your personality or something else. But nobody knows you better than yourself - if you think something isnt right, then you’re probably right

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