Monday, 18 June 2018

on feeling depressed (even in the summer)

Capestang, France

i've had depression for 3 years.

i still cringe a bit whenever i say that (or type it) because it's weird -- it doesn't feel like depression. i still believe that it's just me. i believe that this is just a personality trait.

"oh iona? she's the good listener with a poor outlook on life"

... but apparently it's not a trait.

because apparently it's not normal to sob for half and hour every time you misplace your phone charger. or to sleep for 12 hours a day (and that's only on a day without a nap).

oh, and, apparently it's not normal to think that you will never make it past this point in life because you're just not one of those people who is supposed to succeed or be happy.

no, it isn't a personality trait. i have an "illness."

it wasn't always like this.

sure, i didn't have energy and i didn't eat a lot but i was adjusting to university! i had hope that with the right meds and with enough time i would mellow out and get happier.

but it's now been 3 years and i've adjusted to university. i know the drill. heck, i'm graduating in april. so why haven't i mellowed out? why aren't i happier? i thought it was supposed to get better overtime, not worse.

but this whole depression thing it's like... i don't know... a banana? it just gets blacker and blacker and harder to ignore it because you can hear the noise of the flies even from the living room.

(bad analogy but you get what i mean.)

but, hey, at least it's summer, right? summers are fun! it's hot, you go on holiday, you go to the beach.

except the heat makes me feel even more tired and -- oh yeah -- i hate my body and now dread going to the beach.

my doctor said i should "give myself a chance to feel happy this summer"

as if i consciously choose to be sad.

hell, maybe i do. maybe i keep forcing myself to be depressed and that's why nothing is fixing it.

or maybe my doctor sucks.

who knows?


  1. I resonate with some of these feelings and the expectation that summer has to be defined by happiness and peace–which can perpetuate the feeling shitty-ness because you get worked up into "its not supposed to be like this". I hate it when people are like "give yourself a chance" (mine is always in relation to anxiety, "allow yourself to relax") and you just think If I could I would!!?! I do hope you find some peace this summer and find an opportunity to just let things be. Sending you good vibes x

    1. Hey, thank you :)
      I know this topic is pretty gloomy but, yeah, sometimes the feelings don't go away even though its sunny. And I'm glad you understand. That's why I write these posts, cos it's always nice to know that someone else gets it, you know?


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