on feeling depressed (even in the summer)

i've had depression for 3 years.

i hate to say it that way, really, because it's weird - it doesn't feel like depression. i still believe that it's just me. i believe that this is just a personality trait.

"oh iona? she's the good listener with a poor outlook on life"

... but apparently it's not a trait.

because apparently it's not normal to cry so much. or to sleep so much. and i should want to eat 3 meals a day, instead of 3 meals a week.

i'm so use to thinking that i will never make it past this point in life and that i'm just not one of those people who is supposed to succeed or be happy. but apparently that's not normal

because, no, depression is not a personality trait. it is an "illness."

it wasn't always like this.

i thought i just didn't have energy and i didn't eat a lot because i was adjusting to university. and then when i started on the meds, i had hope that i would mellow out and get happier within a couple of months.

but it's now been 3 years and i've adjusted to university and i still have these thoughts. i'm graduating in april and i haven't mellowed out. i haven't gotten happier. i'm a bit pissed to be honest because i thought it was supposed to get better overtime, not worse.

but this whole depression thing it's like... i don't know... a banana that's out of date, and i don't have a compost bin. so i gotta sit with this black banana and flies are tryna get at it. that analody sounded a bit better in my head.

but, hey, at least it's summer, right? summers are fun! it's hot, you go on holiday, you go to the beach.

except the heat makes me feel even more tired and - oh yeah - i hate my body and now dread going to the beach.

my doctor said i should "give myself a chance to feel happy this summer"

as if i consciously choose to be sad.

hell, maybe i do. maybe i keep forcing myself to be depressed and that's why nothing is fixing it.

or maybe i should actually see a psychiatrist instead of a general doctor.

who knows?